The Sadness Will Last Forever

In his final days, Vincent Van Gogh spoke these haunting words (the title of the article) from the depths of his enigmatic mind. When I first came across this quote, it stuck in my brain—I loved it so much. I think it beautifully mirrors the bittersweet longing that arises as life’s seasons unfold, when we start losing people from our lives.

I lost my aunt–my mom’s last living sister–4 days ago. It was such a strange and daunting experience, witnessing her transformation into ashes right before my eyes. While writing this, I’ve lived through 34 springs of my life, encountering a multitude of experiences and dealing with all sorts of people along the way. These life lessons have sort of toughened me up and made me less emotional. Yet, my eyes were foggy and my breath grew heavy at various moments throughout that day.

I was not close to my aunt. So why the outburst, I asked myself. Was it because I just saw my mom losing her only living sister, realizing how hard it would be for her to not being to talk to her beloved sibling again? Or perhaps it stemmed from the connection these individuals held to my childhood, with each loss feeling like a fragment of my cherished past slipping away. Or was it the fear that where my cousins stand today, I may find myself in the very same position tomorrow?

All of these reasons hold true, but their precedence remains unknown to me. What I do know is that, like a lingering fog over a swamp in winter, these sadness will endure until I am the one who is getting burned.